Comedies

Pink Flamingos

Everyone should grow up with a fun uncle; one who lets you watch and read inappropriate things, encourages you to stay up late, and treats you like an adult even if you’re still in elementary school. He might wear Birkenstocks year-round, or perhaps Hawaiian shirts, and he definitely enjoys good food, good conversation, and good movies. My fun uncle was named Len, and sadly, he left this world far too soon. Len’s film collection was unparalleled, and I recently embarked on the complicated task of organizing his Criterion titles and distributing them to good homes. For reference, Len had the entire Collection, including every spine released before his death in December 2022. Several hundred went into my personal library, so it feels appropriate to celebrate Len and his final, incredible donation to my life with one of his favorites—Pink Flamingos (Disc).

I can’t remember if I first watched John Waters’ magnum trash opus on Uncle Len’s ancient TV set, or if I rented it later in my hometown. However, I’m certain Len was the one who first clued me in to this movie’s existence. I probably asked about the Divine magnet on his fridge, and he probably countered with the story of watching Pink Flamingos at a midnight screening in the 1970s with Mink Stole in attendance. One got the feeling that Len had a personal connection to this movie, and re-watching the Criterion edition now, I can see why. It’s made for people on the fringes of society, or maybe just the ones who wanted to march to the beat of their own drums. They didn’t follow the rules, and they didn’t wait for permission. One look at Divine’s strut down a Baltimore sidewalk, and you instantly understood—this person is weird, and in this universe, “weird” is a good thing. As a teenager, I loved Pink Flamingos for its unapologetic rejection of society’s (and cinema’s) norms. In my own life, I longed for the confidence of a Maryland drag queen.

I’m not sure what Babs Johnson served at her birthday party (apart from Amyl Nitrite poppers), but given her mama’s obsession with the Egg Man, I’ll bet an egg-white cocktail would have gone over well. While watching Pink Flamingos, I recommend drinking a Special Delivery cocktail.

Special Delivery

2 oz Gin

1 oz Pineapple Juice

½ oz Lime Juice

½ oz Grenadine

Egg White

Combine all ingredients in a shaker without ice. Shake vigorously for thirty seconds, then add ice. Shake again until chilled, then strain into a coupe glass.

“Shock cinema” isn’t normally my bag, but I have a lot of respect for directors with a unique voice. Watching a John Waters movie feels like a tiny act of rebellion in and of itself, and even as a middle-aged adult, I can’t help but worry my mom’s going to walk in, shake her head, and ban the movie from the house. Thankfully, I had an Uncle Len in my life, who told me it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to like the weird stuff. “Weird” is a good thing. Cheers!

Comedies

Hairspray

Image credit: Hairspray, 1988

There have been several iterations of John Waters’ tale of racial integration in 1960s Baltimore, but this week I feel like watching the most “Divine” one of them all. That’s right, we’re going back to the original (Disc/Download) in order to learn how to tease our hair, do The Bird, and tell our racist elders to take a hike.

Starring Ricki Lake as iconic plus-sized heroine Tracy Turnblad, Hairspray is one of the many movies of my childhood that got me interested in the sixties. The dresses, the bouffants, the music—I loved it all. As a kid, I was intrigued by the concept of ironing one’s hair (like literally ironing it on a board!), and the confusing ritual of teenagers watching other teenagers dance live on TV. I suppose the concept mostly died out with MTV’s The Grind, but maybe it continues on YouTube? Someone under the age of 35 will have to investigate. For now, I enjoy the retro charm of Tracy and Link on the Corny Collins show, her fashion makeover at the Hefty Hideaway, and the greatest stage mom of them all, Edna Turnblad.

If there’s one thing Mr. Pinky knows how to do, it’s create a haven for full-figured gals. I wish this shop existed in real life- with the same dresses!! Let’s celebrate this dream retail destination with a pastel Pinky’s Margarita.

Pinky’s Margarita

2 oz Silver Tequila

1 oz Cointreau

3/4 oz Lime Juice

3/4 oz Cranberry Juice

Lime Wedge for garnish

Combine all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake until chilled, then strain into a glass filled with fresh ice. Garnish with a lime wedge. (Optional: Salt Rim)

This movie makes me nostalgic for one of my all-time favorite shows, American Dreams. It was cancelled too early, but the memories of this gloriously soapy, fictionalized version of Dick Clark’s American Bandstand remain. As we’re celebrating all things 1960s this summer with the release of my upcoming novel Follow the Sun, make a little space for Tracy and her gravity-defying hair. Cheers!

Comedies

Polyester

Polyester 2
Image Credit: Polyester, 1981

As a final love letter to the TCMFF that never was, I decided to celebrate not just a classic, but a cult classic. Polyester (Disc/Download) is the rare John Waters movie that has eluded me up till now. Maybe I’d been holding out for an Odorama screening. Maybe I just wanted to watch this someplace more exciting than my living room. But then, I decided the viewing circumstances were irrelevant; Todd Tomorrow should not have to wait until tomorrow.

Having been raised on soap operas, the day I discovered the Douglas Sirk melodrama was a true awakening. Classic cinema had been churning out these “women’s pictures” (I have as much disdain for this term as I do “women’s fiction”) for decades, and life was suddenly a banquet again.  But once you’ve seen Magnificent Obsession and Imitation of Life and All That Heaven Allows, where to go? Baltimore, that’s where. With his core group of Dreamland performers, including Divine, Mink Stole, and Edith Massey, The Pope of Trash took these angst-filled flicks and turned them on their heads. It’s clear Waters has a real appreciation for the original genre, down to the peignoirs, clouds of Evening in Paris perfume, and campy character names, but he injects his own brand of modern weirdness too– foot fetishism, doggie suicide, and drag performance to name a few. The story of Francine Fishpaw overcoming her cheating husband and alcoholism is straight out of the Sirk playbook, but the clever way Waters inserts his own brand makes Polyester into something truly unique.

In a nod to the “gimmick” films of the 1950s, Polyester was originally screened in Odorama, whereby audience members were given cards to scratch and smell during certain scenes. Indeed, even without the cards, we see Divine sniffing like a president during a press conference. Most of the scents are pretty vile (model airplane glue, flatulence, skunk), but the first one is meant to lull us into a false sense of security: roses. By adding a few drops of rose water to this cocktail, you can join in the fun even at home. While watching Polyester, I recommend this Stop and Smell the Roses! cocktail.

Stop and Smell the Roses!

1.5 oz Three Olives Rosé Vodka

.5 oz Lemon Juice

.5 oz Grapefruit Juice

2-3 drops Rose Water

Splash of Sparkling Rosé

Club Soda

Dried Strawberries or Rose Petals for garnish

Combine Vodka, lemon and grapefruit juices, and rose water in a shaker filled with ice.  Shake until chilled, then strain into a highball glass filled with ice. Top with Sparkling Rosé, and club soda. Garnish with dried strawberries or rose petals.

Stop and Smell the Roses

Eventually, Francine learns to stop hittin’ the sauce, but I don’t see any reason for us viewers to stop. Without the famed Odorama cards, we need alcohol as our gimmick. By being something special and different, Polyester breathed new life into the career of Tab Hunter. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll breathe new life into your love of movies; I know it did for me. Cheers!

Comedies · Uncategorized

Cry-Baby

Image Credit: Universal Pictures, Cry-Baby, 1990
Image Credit: Universal Pictures, Cry-Baby, 1990

I recently finished reading John Waters’ latest book Carsick, detailing his experiences hitchhiking across the US. It was difficult to finish even one page of the book without laughing, and it reminded me of what a brilliant comic mind this man has. To that end, I’m featuring one of my favorite John Waters films this week, Cry-Baby (DVD/Download).

Cry-Baby is a spoof of 1950’s greaser movies, wherein the “Drapes” face off against the “Squares”. Johnny Depp plays Cry-Baby Walker, the hot young leader of the Drapes, who falls for Allison Vernon-Williams, a good girl yearning to be bad. In a great meet-cute scene, they lock eyes over polio vaccinations in the school gym. Imagine! People got immunized and it was no big deal! (I digress). Cry-Baby is populated by B-and C-list stars galore- Traci Lords! Patty Hearst! Troy Donahue! Iggy Pop! Ricki Lake!

Johnny Depp reportedly took the role of Cry-Baby (one of his first film roles following 21 Jump Street) in order to poke fun at his teen-idol image. Well, mission accomplished. As Cry-Baby he’s sexy and funny and just the right amount of campy. It’s so refreshing to see him without weird facial hair or feathers or a Colleen Atwood costume. Watching Cry-Baby has reminded me that not only do I want John Waters to make another film, but I want Johnny Depp to be in it playing an actual human being. A stretch at this point, I know.

My drink this week has to be equal parts hillbilly and 50’s fabulous in order to truly do the film justice. I’m sure Uncle Belvedere makes his own moonshine, but I have to get by with the store-bought stuff. Of course this has to be served in a mason jar (which I assume was the stemware-of-choice at Turkey Point). While watching Cry-Baby, I recommend drinking a Lonely Teardrop.

Lonely Teardrop

½ oz Vodka

½ oz Dutch’s Spirits Sugar Wash Moonshine

¾ oz fresh lemon juice

½ oz Limoncello

2 oz Sprite

3 oz club soda

Fresh rosemary sprigs

Lemon slice

Mix together the spirits and lemon juice in a cocktail shaker. Strain into a mason jar filled with ice. Top with Sprite and club soda. Garnish with rosemary and lemon.

lonely teardrop

Not only does Cry-Baby have a fantastic cast and script, but the costumes are stellar as well. I admit to having quite a few “square” dresses currently hanging in my closet (thanks Mod Cloth!). But when Allison Vernon-Williams puts on those tight “hysterectomy pants” and makes out with Cry-Baby, I find myself wanting my own bad-girl beauty makeover. Just please don’t let Hatchet Face do my make-up. There are…. no words to describe that face. Cheers!

Top 5 Lists

Top Five Crimes Against Christmas Trees

I know my readers were maybe expecting a top five list of boozy Christmas films, but there is something much more important to talk about this month.  Is anybody aware of just how many Christmas trees come into cinematic danger this time of year?  Perhaps I care too much, or perhaps I just like seeing people throw around their Christmas trees, ornaments be damned.  You’ll never know.  Without further ado, I present the Top Five Crimes Against Christmas Trees.

1)  Divine shoves her parents into a Christmas tree in Female Trouble.

Image credit Dreamland, 1974, Female Trouble
Image credit Dreamland, 1974, Female Trouble

No cha-cha heels for Christmas??  JUSTIFIED.

(For the full, amazing scene, check it out here)

 

2)  Mrs. Jorgenson shoves her daughter into a Christmas tree in A Summer Place.

Image credit Warner Bros, 1959, A Summer Place
Image credit Warner Bros, 1959, A Summer Place

Merry Christmas, Mama.

 

3)  The Griswold tree catches fire in Christmas Vacation.

Image Credit Warner Bros, 1989, Christmas Vacation
Image Credit Warner Bros, 1989, Christmas Vacation

Never leave a senile relative unattended near your tree.  Just sayin’.

 

4)  Shootout at a Christmas tree lot in Lethal Weapon.

Image credit Warner Bros, 1987, Lethal Weapon
Image credit Warner Bros, 1987, Lethal Weapon

The real crime is not bullets and cocaine flying around the Christmas trees.  The real crime is Mel Gibson’s mullet.

 

5)  Gremlins attack!!!!!!  (in Gremlins).

Image credit Warner Bros, 1984, Gremlins
Image credit Warner Bros, 1984, Gremlins

Scariest.  Christmas.  Ever.