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Crimson Peak

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Crimson Peak

Image credit: Crimson Peak, 2015.

I’ll admit, I definitely watched Crimson Peak (DVD/Download) expecting a spooky Jane Eyre. While it wasn’t that, I’m still not exactly sure what it hoped to be. Gothic romance? Grisly horror? A cinematic ode to velvet? While this film is certainly beautiful, in the end I was left with the old Gertrude Stein quote rattling around in my brain- there is no there, there.

While I normally eschew horror, I gave this a shot because the visuals promised to be absolutely incredible. And, they are. From a turn-of-the-century American industrialist’s mansion, to a rotting estate in the barren English countryside, Crimson Peak is all about the production design. For me, it was love-at-first-clawfoot tub sighting.  But then there’s all the velvet. SO. MUCH. VELVET. Pants, capes, dresses, and hats in the most beautiful jewel tones. These characters stand out against their decrepit surroundings, not because they’re saying anything interesting (they’re not), but because someone has taken the time to drape and tailor their clothes to perfection. I wish there were more substance to this story of a girl falling victim to a marriage-murder plot, but there’s just not. Will I keep watching for glimpses of her puffed sleeves? Of course. Do I wish I’d just turned the sound off halfway through? Kinda, yeah.

One sinister note Crimson Peak employs is the use of the color red. From a spray of blood to a river of blood, this color saturates everything.  Time to drink a color-coordinated cocktail that references all the poisoned tea being served at Allerdale Hall.  While watching Crimson Peak, I recommend drinking a Bloody Mar-tea-ni.

Bloody Mar-tea-ni

1.5 oz Sweet Tea vodka

1.5 oz Pomegranate juice

1.5 oz Blood Orange juice

½ oz Luxardo Maraschino syrup

To prepare glass, drizzle Luxardo maraschino syrup around the inside. Set aside. Combine vodka, pomegranate juice, and blood orange juice in a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake until chilled, then strain into prepared glass.

Bloody Mar-Tea-Ni

For fans of scary movies, you could do worse than Crimson Peak. There are some genuinely frightening moments when angry ghosts try to get their revenge, and a lot of suspense around the fate of the family papillon (at least for a dog-lover like me). But luckily, the acting and dialogue is so campy that I never really felt that nightmare-inducing grip of fear. Next to the dog, the only other thing I truly cared about in that house was the velvet. Please- no blood splatter on the velvet!!!!! Cheers!

The Invisible Man

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The Invisible Man

Image credit: The Invisible Man, 1933.

For my final “man” film, I’ve chosen to reach all the way back to the 1933 James Whale classic, The Invisible Man (DVD/Download). Although considered by many to be one of the best early horror films, it’s not so much scary as it is fascinating. How the hell did they make Claude Rains invisible, with no computers or digital technology??  I’m still scratching my head.

Based on the novel by H.G. Wells, Rains plays a scientist who’s injected himself with a serum that causes both invisibility and dangerous psychosis. He’s got a soft spot for Gloria Stuart (hey, old lady from Titanic!!), but even that can’t save him from the monster inside. I must say, it’s terrifically creepy when he peels the bandage off his face to reveal an empty hole where a nose should be. And the maniacal laugh as he strangles his victims will haunt my nightmares for weeks.  In the end, I’ve decided the only thing scarier than a villain is the villain you can’t see.

What does mad scientist Dr. Griffin use to become invisible you ask? Monocane. Working with some British spirits he might have had at his disposal, I’ll be putting my beakers and flasks to use this week. While watching The Invisible Man, I recommend drinking a Monocane cocktail.

Monocane

1 oz Pimms No. 1

1 oz Rye

1/2 oz Lemon Juice

3/4 oz Simple Syrup

Twist of Lemon

Mix ingredients together in your favorite scientific glassware. Pour into a tumbler over a large ice cube. Garnish with twist of lemon.

Monocane

The thing that’s great about this classic film is that it doesn’t need blood and gore to inspire terror. Just a few bandages, a disembodied voice from the backseat of a car, some floating props, and boom- instant lifelong fear of an “empty” room. Go ahead and shiver. Cheers!